10 SIGNS OF GASLIGHTING
You’ve probably heard the term gaslighting thrown around – it’s a popular topic these days.
But what exactly is gaslighting? It’s a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity.
Today I’m going to clarify what gaslighting is… and what it isn’t. I’ll also provide a guide for men to recognize signs of gaslighting in their relationships and offer insights on how they can avoid inadvertently gaslighting their partners.
Ready to get into it?
Understanding gaslighting
Gaslighting is a deliberate tactic used to gain power over someone by distorting their reality.
This can happen in any relationship, but is common in romantic relationships.
Normal disagreements and misunderstandings are NOT gaslighting. Those are just a normal part of a relationship, and it’s important to recognize the difference.
Let’s look at an example:
You’re running to the store and your partner asks you to grab milk. You don’t hear them, so when you come home, there is no milk. This is a simple misunderstanding that happens in normal, healthy relationships.
But let’s say every time you go to the store and come home, your partner demands to know where specific items are that they requested that you know they never asked for. This happens again and again, and often ends in your partner telling you how stupid/forgetful/helpless you are. No matter how many times you review the list before shopping, they are ALWAYS angry about you forgetting things.
That’s gaslighting.
10 Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship
They Deny Things You've Seen or Heard: Your partner flatly denies your experience of events, even when there's proof.
They Use What You Love Against You: They may use your identity, possessions, or loved ones as ammunition
Their Actions Don't Match Their Words: There’s a persistent discrepancy between what they say and what they do.
They Throw in Positive Reinforcement to Confuse You: This involves complimenting you or making grand gestures, typically when you are most doubtful of their sincerity.
They Project Their Faults onto You: Often, they accuse you of the very things they are guilty of.
They Try to Align People Against You: They may tell others that you’re crazy or irrational to isolate you.
They Claim Others Think You’re Unstable: Adding false claims that people close to you doubt your sanity.
They Tell You Everyone Else is Lying: By maintaining they are the only reliable source of truth, they try to make you dependent on their version of reality.
They Tell You You’re Crazy or Overly Emotional: This is to undermine your perception and to make you question your judgment.
They Wear You Down Over Time: Gaslighting often starts subtly and intensifies, making it hard to pinpoint when it began.
How men can avoid being “gaslit” by a partner
What if you believe your partner is attempting to gaslight you in an effort to dominate or shift the power dynamics in your relationship?
Here’s what you want to do:
Start with always being aware of the signs of gaslighting. Read through that list above and familiarize yourself with what gaslighting looks like. Reflect on your own actions and pay attention to your interactions with your partner.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off in your gut, believe yourself and follow your intuition.
Seek support. Asking friends, family, or a professional to look at your interactions or reflect on a particularly confusing conversation can offer the outside perspective you need.
Do those 10 signs of gaslighting feel like things you do?
Truly confident, capable men have no need to gaslight their partner.
However, sometimes these actions can pop up unintentionally.
If you want to make sure you aren’t gaslighting your partner, make sure to prioritize open communication. If you realize your partner can’t speak their mind or share their opinions without you ridiculing or dismissing them – you need to examine your own behavior and intentions.
Active listening is a great way to combat gaslighting. When you take the time to validate your partner’s feelings and perspectives, even if they are different from your own, you create a safe, equal balance of power.
The best way to avoid gaslighting? Encourage your partner’s independence. Support their relationships outside of your own and make sure they pursue their own interests and hobbies. Healthy independence is the goal!
Understanding gaslighting leads to better relationships
Recognizing and understanding gaslighting is crucial for maintaining healthy, respectful relationships.
Men can identify potential abuse and ensure they don’t unintentionally harm their partners by being aware of the 10 signs of gaslighting and actively choosing respectful communication practices.
If you suspect there is gaslighting in your relationship, seeking support from a coach or therapist can provide guidance and help in navigating this challenging situation.
