DOUBTS BEFORE MARRIAGE AREN'T A BAD THING

Experiencing doubts before making a significant life commitment like marriage is not only common… it’s also often a healthy part of the decision-making process.

It’s normal to question big decisions, and marriage is no exception. 

Come with me, an intimacy and relationship coach, and explore why it's okay to have doubts before marriage, why men specifically might experience these feelings, and how to differentiate between normal pre-wedding jitters and serious red flags that might warrant a deeper look.

It’s okay to have doubts before marriage

Doubt is a natural human emotion that helps us pause and evaluate the decisions we are about to make. It prompts us to consider our choices more deeply and ensures we are making decisions that align with our values and long-term goals. 

In the context of marriage, doubts can make you consider all aspects of your relationship and partnership more critically, which is essential for entering into a lifelong commitment with clarity and confidence.

It’s okay to have doubts before marriage because those doubts are a sign that you’re taking the commitment seriously and thinking through a serious decision instead of relying solely on your feelings or desires. 

Why do more men seem to have doubts before marriage than women?

Men might experience premarital doubts for several reasons. 

For one, men often approach decisions with a pragmatic, logical lens. This leads to seeing the potential issues or problems that come with tying your life to someone else’s. 

Societal pressures and traditional expectations about roles within a marriage can also cause anxiety:

• Will I be able to maintain my personal freedom?

• Am I financially prepared for this step?

• Will I be able to fulfill my partner’s expectations?

Doubts can stem from observing the rocky or problematic marital relationships of others, like parents or friends, and worrying about encountering similar challenges.

Normal doubts vs. serious concerns

So what are normal doubts… and what is potentially a red-flag that should make you reconsider your decision?

Normal doubts include things like:

- Am I ready for this commitment? 

Wondering about your readiness to commit is normal and helpful. It reflects a realistic understanding of marriage’s significance.

- Will we stay happy together? 

It’s common to wonder about future happiness and stability, given that many marriages end in divorce and people do change over time.

- Can I meet my partner’s expectations? 

Concern about fulfilling a partner's needs and maintaining satisfaction in the relationship is typical, reflecting a desire to be a good partner.

But if you’re facing some of these more serious concerns, you may want to pause and really consider the decision and commitment you’re about to make:

- Fundamental Differences

Doubts that revolve around core values or life goals that don’t align (such as thoughts on having children, where to live, or religious beliefs) can be a red flag. These things won’t go away – and if there’s no compatible decision on the table, someone is going to end up hurt or seriously disappointed. 

- Trust Issues

If doubts stem from concerns about trustworthiness, fidelity, or reliability, these are serious issues that need to be addressed before proceeding with marriage. If you are worried about trusting your partner now, marriage will not ease that worry or make those issues go away. In fact, it will likely compound any trust issues that already exist.

- Persistent Unhappiness

If the relationship consistently makes you unhappy or leaves you feeling undervalued or disrespected, these doubts are significant and point to deeper problems.

Navigating doubts before marriage

Practically everyone has some level of question or doubt before they get married. 

You should be able to openly discuss these doubts and fears with your partner. Discussing your concerns openly can help clarify misunderstandings, align expectations, and strengthen your relationship.

It’s also beneficial to seek premarital counseling, which can provide a safe space to explore these doubts and learn communication and conflict-resolution skills that will benefit your marriage.

By understanding the nature of your doubts and addressing them constructively, you can make informed decisions that lead to a stronger foundation for your future marriage.